Disconnect to Reconnect: Reflections on the Smartphone’s Impact on Joy

I have a 15 year old and of all the stages of his childhood this one is definitely the most challenging (for me) as a parent.  For my toddler (yes I have both a teen and a toddler and one in between) things are very black and white.  You know they need to eat, sleep, and not hit people.  For the teenager, there are so many more variables and shades of grey which I think has forced me to reconcile my own habits, beliefs, and values.  The phone has been a never-ending nag-inducing point of contention between me and him.  He's a great kid and I'm not really worried about porn addiction or bullying or anything like that, rather I just HATE the facets of life he may be missing out on because of a dumb little square canister of metal, glass, and semiconductors.  Given an idle moment I watch him grab his phone and I think to myself, what would he do with that moment if he didn't have his phone?  Look outside, hum a song, talk to his sister, solve world hunger?  Undoubtedly something more constructive than whatever youtube, snapchat, tiktok-ing garbage he feels compelled to check out.

And in my quest to rid him on this toxic and life-sucking joy squelcher I took a look in the mirror.  Am I doing the SAME THING?  The answer was a resounding YES.  I grab for my phone while I eat my lunch, at any sort of buzz or notification that may alarm, while waiting for a meeting, while sitting at a stop light, before I go to bed, first thing when I wake up, I literally feel for my phone whenever I start, finish, or move onto the next moments of my day to make sure its there because what would happen if it wasn't 😱?  It is the definition of psychotic behavior and I started to think about the trade offs of some of the most obvious conveniences it offers vs. what I may be missing out on, and it brought up the interesting notion that my phone may be sucking some of my joy.

Directions

One of the most convenient uses for the phone is getting turn by turn directions uttered to you in real time at any time anywhere in the world.  Here's the thing, I actually really love maps.  My daughter collects them and I think she's brilliant because who knows when maps may just go away.  I certainly hope I never experience a world without maps. There's something so satisfying and spontaneous about looking at a real map, plotting what you believe to be the best route, not really knowing exactly how much time it will take you, and then experiencing it.  There's also the lost art of asking for directions.  The joke of our parents generation between men and women was that men would never ask for directions and it would end up taking twice as long to reach the destination.  Our kids have never heard that joke because it's not just men, no one asks for directions.  We are definitely missing out on eye contact, connection, and subtle pleasantries but are we missing out on a new friend, an interesting story, the chance to make someone's day with a smile and a thank you?  

Photos and Videos

Not only do we have camera, video, and publishing capabilities at our fingertips 100% of the time but we also have the ability to take and retake, edit, and filter every single moment of our life.  That's great if you are trying to get your toddler to smile and your teenager to keep his eyes open AT THE SAME TIME, but does it create this unrealistic reach towards every person and every moment looking perfect at all times?  And if not, filtering, editing, and making it look so?  Are we departing from the beauty of imperfections, authenticity, and organic captures of the perfectly imperfect humans and experiences we encounter?  There's no question the insta vs. reality culture is adding unnecessary anxiety and pressure to our youth, but what about to anyone and everyone with a smartphone?  Remember the joy you felt when you thumbed through the photos taken on a roll of film?  The surprise, the laughter at the funny ones, the ability to relive the moment through a physical photo?  

Music

I remember listening and learning about Steve Jobs speech to his apple employees when the original iPod was first launching.  It was genius!  Not only the iPod itself, but his speech.  He would agonize over every word, over the delivery, over how it would be perceived, but I wonder if he ever asked any musician what the iPod would do to their art form?  How that trade of convenience would impact the music industry forever.  For all the effort and agony Steve Jobs put into his speeches, thousands, maybe millions of artists spent even more time and attention creating the perfect playlist which is their album, their life's work, their gift to the world.  Today it is rare to listen to an artists work from start to finish.  We now have Pandora and Spotify and even if you WANT to listen to the album start to finish you will undoubtedly be fed alternative music that the algorithm thinks you might want to listen to (not that you or the artist curated) and who are you to argue?  Are you missing out on songs that don't hit the most played and hence don't make it into playlists?  Are you missing out on an experience someone really talented spent a lot of time creating for you?  Are you being fed by an algorithm, your music preferences?

Text and Email

In seconds we can fire off birthday wishes, important work memos, honey dos, and let's get together messages.  We can also in seconds completely crush someones feelings, communicate with the wrong tone, bully, and bash.  Not only is it so much more enjoyable to receive a written note, even if its chicken scratches on a sticky note, it offers the multi-second or minute pause to think about what you are writing and how it may be received.  It takes just enough more time and effort that words are chosen more carefully and written more purposefully.  When we step away from digital communication birthday messages all of a sudden come on a beautiful or hilarious card, someones handwriting (however good or bad) evokes an emotion, holding the paper, opening the envelope gives a sensorial experience, cursive (a lost art?) makes its revival.  Sure it takes more time, it takes more effort, but don't we have it in us to bring joy, to pause before sending, to communicate with diligence, thoughtfulness, and beauty?

Downgrade Your Device

Are you breaking out in hives thinking about the prospect of a smartphone free life?  How all those conveniences could vanish with one woman's musings about her teenage son's (and her own) addiction to a smartphone?  Never fear, I am certainly not suggesting we rid the world of smartphones they certainly have their place and technology has so many wonderful advantages, but what if we make a few subtle trades?  Asking for directions instead of punching addresses into our phones?  Taking one photo, no filters, no edits, or heck if you really want to go for it - let's bring back the darkroom!  Buying vinyls, reinvigorating CDs, can you imagine a world in which we make our own mix tapes again?  Oh the joy!  And trading keyboards for pens and paper.  Perhaps what I'm proposing, as the battery life of your phone declines as it's perfectly designed to do and you are ready for an upgrade, what about swapping your upgrade for a downgrade?  Your smartphone for a less smart phone.  Maybe we delete apps instead of add more.  Perhaps we step back and remember the way in which we used to do it and enjoy the retro cool vibes that slower more joyful pace can offer.  Maybe we choose human connection, imperfection, art, and the written word over convenience.

Here's to life less toxic!

Live free,
Dana

🫶

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